"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain."
I wasn't sure how to start this until I found this quote above. All I could think was, "That's true." And it is I suppose. I don't even know what I want to say. Maybe I could start on how I really don't like my username anymore. I do remember my reason for choosing it, and it was pretty okay at that time. Now I hate it. I think DA should have a one time free username change. I don't know what I'd change it to, but I'd just like to change it. I've always had such terrible ideas for usernames.
You know when you have over a million ideas in your head that you just want to let out, but when you actually sit in front of your computer to get those ideas down they're gone. Just gone. So gone you almost forget your own name. This happens to me every single time.
SO much has happened in the last 2 years for me in my life. I've lost friends, gained new ones, reconnected with old friends, found someone I thought I loved, lost that person, and so much more. I don't know where to begin. I don't know if anyone is still reading this. I doubt it, but if there is that one person reading this, I just want to apologize. Why? Well I think that should be pretty obvious. I'm just wasting your time with my endless problems I seem to share only with my mind.
I'm just somebody who thinks they're actually good at something when they're really not. I'm not good at anything. And I'm not just saying that for attention or so that somebody can say, "Oh no, that's not true." I'm a downer. What can I say? I suck at cheering people up. I suck at giving advice. I suck at socializing! I don't know what the latest fashion trend is. I probably even suck at doing this. I can't draw. I don't know how to work a camera properly. I don't understand things most of the times. I used to think I was somebody smart, but the internet changed that. Now I think I'm a full blown idjit! (I hope somebody gets that.)
I love to read but I owe over $15 to the LAPL. I work, I have a license, but I don't buy books. I'm not going to lie when I say that the only reason I haven't bought most of my favorite books is because I'm waiting for someone to actually get them for me. I know how that sounds. I hate that but it's true. The only video game I've actually completed was Ratchet and Clank Future: Tools of Destruction. I watch a lot of TV shows. I obsess over them. I have a Doctor Who related key chain attached to my car keys. I drive a 2000 Toyota Corolla. That was totally irrelevant but I don't care.
I've been in love with vampires since I was a kid. I think they're fascinating. I haven't finished Interview with a Vampire by Anne Rice even though I own it. I've never read Dracula by Bram Stoker even though I own it. I love the Cirque du Freak series and own the last two books. I watch The Vampire Diaries and I love it. I think Ian Somerhalder has amazing blue eyes. I like the anime Rosario Vampire. I actually liked Twilight before they made the movies. I kinda liked the first one when it came out but I don't know anymore. I just love vampires. The idea of them being real fascinates me and scares me just a little.
I love Supernatural. I love it. There's no words to describe it. Well that's a lie. There are many words to describe Supernatural. I just love supernatural things. I wish it was real. I fangirl over many things. Misha Collins has that face you just love.
Doctor Who. Enough said. I honestly want to find my own Rory Williams. "I don't care that you got old. I care that we didn't grow old together." Seriously. Where can I find one?
I'm just one of those people that can't really talk to their best friend because so much shit has happened that you're not really sure if they're your best friend anymore. If you're reading this I'm sorry, but it's true. and it sucks because you really love that person because they've been there for you so many times, and you know they love you too because they show up at YOUR doorstep with THEIR problems and you know all they need is a hug from their best friend. I just want things to go back to how they used to be.
And to those friends I left in high school, I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I never felt like I belonged anywhere. High school was the worst.
I was bullied as a child so I'm pretty sure that has had a huge impact in my life. I was always that ugly fat kid with the ears that stuck out. I was that kid who did nothing while being bullied. I'd just stand there and take it. I never knew how to respond to anyone because I'd get laughed at. I've had other girls pretend to be my friends just so that they could make fun of me in front of other people. I was the kid who would go home crying. I was the kid who would cry in the mornings because she didn't want to go to school where the other kids would make fun of her. I think that the most amazing school year was 8th grade. That will always be the most memorable year ever. I wasn't asked to go to prom. I hated my prom hairdo. I wish I could go back and just do my own hair. I wish my dress had been a lot prettier. I wish I had had a date. I'd just like to thank that one friend for making the last semester of senior year great. Thank you. It meant a lot.
I've had a total of 9 surgeries. All because I was born different. And because of that was the reason I got bullied. I understand that I'm not the most attractive human being in the world. And it sucks that people choose to judge their friends based on attractiveness. I absolutely hate it. I'm pretty sure if I was attractive I wouldn't be sitting here typing all of this.
I've had parent trouble, but then again who hasn't? I've had family mean a lot to me even though it seems like they don't care. Just a few days ago I realized that there's nothing like family. And I really mean that. It was something that made my heart ache. Seeing someone cry because they see that you're okay and alive and well. That's something that means so much. It doesn't have a definition or word to it. All there is is a feeling. A feeling that you can't even describe. A feeling that's there like a memory. And it just grips your heart tight and gives you that feeling that threats to give you tears and a runny nose.
All I really want to know is if I'm going to be alright in the future. 18 years hasn't been enough to believe in myself. So many insecurities have been holding me back. I'm terrified of cancer. I think my grandparents lived a fairytale life. It's so sad. They passed away hours away. I've seen so many cancer references in my life that it makes me wonder if that's how I'm going to go. And what scares me the most is that I will go and not leave anything that's mine. I'm scared that my death will mean nothing. I'm scared that I haven't had any influence in anyone's life. I'm scared that people will forget me and my existence would have been nothing. I'm scared that nobody is going to know who I was. I'm scared that people would only remember me for what I was and not who I was.
All this really is is just me telling who ever is out there willing to listen that I'm afraid that I am nothing. I don't want anyone telling me otherwise or whatever because I'm pretty sure that there is not one single person out there who actually knows me. And I mean know know me. I guess I just want someone to tell me, "Stop this isn't you." and when I tell them, "You don't even know me." and they'll respond, "You don't know how wrong you are." and I just want a life. An actual proper life that is so real it doesn't even seem to be real. I need somebody to know me. To actually know me.